


Dear Loki

by BonesXLI



Series: Tony/Loki Oneshots [5]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Character Death, Depression, Drinking, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Letters, Loki has feelings, Love Letters, M/M, Punishment, Sad, Tony Stark Has Daddy Issues, but not graphic, non-graphic mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-14
Updated: 2014-02-17
Packaged: 2018-01-12 09:20:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,390
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1184544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BonesXLI/pseuds/BonesXLI
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s funny how you made me see all this things. Without you, I would have never realized how lonely I really am. Without the nuclear weapon that was sent because of you, I would have never realized how they used me. Without you I would be still living in my own little world where I’m the boy whose life went from ‘That sucks’ to ‘Fucking awesome’. I hate and love you for opening my eyes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_Dear Loki,_

_I know I shouldn’t call you ‘dear’. Hell, I shouldn’t even write to you, although I know you will never read this. But I can’t forget you. Every time I close my eyes, I see you before me. I know, I know, you are the villain and I’m the hero, I should feel hate & disgust every time I think of you. But life isn’t black and white. I can almost hear you scoff at my sentiment. I mean, you would say that sentiment is for weak humans, wouldn’t you? “Is this love, Agent Romanov?” – “Love is for children.” You would have gotten along with Tasha, I’m sure. Hell, why am I even thinking about you living with the Avengers? But that’s what I do. I wish for it every day. I wake up and my first thought is how empty my life is. I never realized it before, you made me see it. Because when I first looked at you, sitting on a stair in Germany, every sign of fighting vanishing, I kind of saw into a twisted mirror. Hah, I know that it was just a scheme; I know you wouldn’t give up that easily and that’s what I told Capsicle, but nonetheless. When you gave up, I saw myself giving up. But that’s what I did, isn’t it? I gave up all those years ago in that godforsaken cave. I gave up and let other people shape my life. I gave up on making weapons? But did I do it for me? No, I did it for the world. I didn’t even build the weapons for me, they were for my country. I built the Iron Man suit and I felt free. I started believing that it is possible to make up for my past, that I can save as many people as I killed. I believed I could regain my place in heaven. At first the suit gave me this freedom. It gave me an image, an image I could hold on to when the nightmares wake me up in the middle of the night. Yeah, I have nightmares and in them my hands are covered in blood and I can feel the life oozing out of the people I killed. When I wake up, I’m covered in sweat and fear is ruling my body, my mind, my being. But back then I would look at Iron Man and I would calm down. The suit helped me in so many ways, Pepper or alcohol couldn’t. But, of course, it didn’t stay that way._  
 _I should have seen it coming, back then when Fury broke into my house. Back then, when they hired me as their consultant, even when they couldn’t afford me. I laughed at their stupidity. But in fact they laughed about me. They used me and I never realized. They knew how to push me into doing what they want, because they saw right through me and used my weaknesses against me. That’s why I hate them. They knew how Obadiah used me and still they used me the same way. I hate myself for my own naivety every day. I hate myself how I never stop them from using me, because that would hurt many people and I have already hurt enough. It’s funny how you made me see all this things. Without you, I would have never realized how lonely I really am. Without the nuclear weapon that was sent because of you, I would have never realized how they used me. Without you I would be still living in my own little world where I’m the boy whose life went from ‘That sucks’ to ‘Fucking awesome’. I hate and love you for opening my eyes._  
 _I don’t have time to write more, the good ol’ captain wants to join me their movie night. I wish I had some excuse, because when they chat and laugh, I realize how I don’t fit into this laugh. But I really can’t talk myself out of this, although I wish I had your silvertongue for five minutes._  
 _Tony_  
  
 _P.s.: I really wish you would read this. I wish you could have stayed._

 

Dear Loki,

Here I am again. Sitting in my lab, trying to build something with my shaking hands. The bottle beside me is almost empty and I can’t stop drinking. The loud music should stop me from hearing myself thinking, but I guess you can’t just shut off my mind. I wish I could, because then I wouldn’t have to go through this. I think you already know that I had a nightmare again. I’m always in the cave again. Did you know I never told them what happened really in there? Sure they know about the reactor and that I was tortured, but I always told them it wasn’t that bad and that I would get over it. I was so wrong. It was too much, you know. The constant feeling of drowning, the fear of never feeling fresh air again, the darkness…it left more marks than a sane person could bear. But that’s the truth, isn’t it? I’m broken, in so many ways. I tell myself every day that I can make it, that I can be whole again, but I slowly accept that it will never be the same. I envy people who have a normal life, people whose biggest problem is that they have to get up at 6 a.m. or how to dress their kids for school. I would give everything to just forget my name, my image, my past, my dreams, everything. Hell, I never wanted to be what I have to be. I just wanted to live my life like everyone else. With problems like having a fight with my teenage kid, but not with I-have-to-save-the-world-problems.  
You are keeping me sane, writing to you helps. In my letters I can talk freely, I can push back my pride and let out my real feelings. In letters I don’t have to fake a smile and tell everyone “I’m okay”. I think only in letters I can tell the truth. However, you are really helping. I wish you were here and I could talk to you in words. I bet you would give me an awesome advice. But you are locked away in Asgard, I guess. I hope. I pray that you’re okay.  
Tony

 

 

 

_Dear Loki,_

_Did I ever tell you about my father? I bet he was worse than your Allfather-daddy. Howard Stark. When people hear the name they praise his genius, his inventions and talk about him like they talk about god. When I hear his name, I think about rejection, pain and tears. Dads really can be asses. They hit their children, they drink or they leave their kids because they don’t want anything from them. But no dad is worse than the one ignoring you. I’d rather have no dad at all than one who treats you like air. He never said “I love you”, I don’t know why. As a child I have always asked myself why. Have I been too small? Haven’t I been as smart as he wanted? I just really don’t know. So I cried myself to sleep when he ignored the things I built for him and hid the pain I felt every time he rejected me. Today I still don’t know what was wrong with me. But today I can also bury my past in some dark corner in my heart and forget it. Until I wake up from memories that haunt my dreams. Then everything comes back and I have to hold back my tears, because I won’t fucking cry just because my dad didn’t liked me._  
 _I envy every child that has a nice dad who they can talk to and who helps them with their homework. Nobody deserves a father like I had._  
 _Tony_  
  
 _p.s.: Thor came back today from Asgard and told us you’re in prison. I hope you’re okay._

Dear Loki,

I’m slowly losing it. I can’t get on with my life. I drink, I hate myself, and I hide in my lab and drown myself in work. People come and try to get me out, but I’m rejecting them. I don’t even know why. Do you remember the first time I wrote you a letter? I wrote that the world isn’t black and white. There are colors. But they start fading. Every morning I wake up and discover that a new shade of color has vanished. Today it was blue. I can’t see the glow of my arc reactor anymore. The sky is grey. I’m losing it. Please help me.  
Tony

 

 

 

_Dear Loki,_

_Did you notice that my letters grow shorter and shorter? I don’t know why. The words just don’t come anymore and my feelings vanish. I feel empty, lonely and wish for somebody to talk to me. For somebody who understands me. But you’re not here._  
 _Tony_

_p.s.: Today I lost green. I can’t even see the color of your tunics now and it makes me sad._

 

 

 

Dear Loki,

Today Pepper and Coulson got married. The ceremony was great and the party even greater. I used to pick up some girls at a party. We would drink, laugh and later we’d fuck. But I’m not interested in doing this anymore. I have to force myself to smile and laugh. Nobody notices that anything is wrong with me, not even Tasha. I guess I should be proud about my acting talents.  
I lost red today. The Iron Man suit starts vanishing.  
Tony

p.s.: Are you ok?

 

 

 

_Dear Loki,_

_Thor told us today some funny stories about your adventures. It was the first time I really laughed in months. I’d have loved to see you in a dress! And I love your children. Do you think I can meet Jörmungandr someday? I guess I could find him. Maybe he could tell me more hilarious stories about you._  
 _Miss you,_  
 _Tony_

_p.s.: I can’t see the sun anymore._

 

 

 

Dear Loki,

The world starts getting grey. I can’t see the golden curtains in my room anymore. Even my booze has lost its color. It’s depressing. Gold was the last color of my suit that I could see, and now I even lost that. Iron Man means nothing now; it’s just as grey as the rest of the world.  
I always wished I could visit Asgard. The golden city, the realm of eternity. Well, I guess it’s too late now. I will never see it glowing golden in your sun.  
Tony

 

 

 

 

_Dear Loki,_

_Today three children died in an attack. Everyone tells me it wasn’t my fault. But it was mine. If I had gotten there faster, I could have prevented there death. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t hurt anybody, but I broke this promise. It hurts; it hurts so much Loki, please. Please help me._  
 _Tony_

 

 

 

Dear Loki,

I love you. You are beautiful and everything I couldn’t be. I hope you’re okay, because I’m not. I lost myself and I will never be whole again. I’m sorry.  
Tony

 

 

 

 

_Dear Loki,_

_Please forgive me for what I’m going to do. Because nobody else will forgive me, they will hate me for the pain I put them through. But it’s the only solution. Do you think your daughter will welcome me in her realm?_  
 _I’m sorry. And please forgive me._  
 _Tony_

_p.s.: Don’t forget I love you._

 

 


	2. Dear Tony,...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some people wanted to have a sequel, here we go!  
> Thanks to everyone for the lovely comments and the Kudos (:
> 
> Quotes in the story:  
> (1) Friedrich Nietzsche

Loki sat in his cell and stared at the wall. His green eyes were empty and his mind blank. The god had long given up on living, but his body kept working. So he remained there, sitting and waiting. Years flew by, decades and centuries. Not once he moved, waiting for his heart to give up. But it kept beating and his face remained the same. It wasn’t the first time he cursed immortality, but the death refused him. With every day that came and left, his mind would die a little more, a captive in its own body.  
Nobody ever came to visit him, because he had nobody left. His mother died long ago and Loki longed to join her in the depths of death. The memories of her laugh and her sparkling eyes kept his mind alive for the first decades. But soon the memories started to fade and details vanished. After a century Loki could picture his mother looking at him but he didn’t remember her smile. He would remember her green eyes, not unlike his, but he forgot the flames in them. And with every forgotten memory his mind died a little more.  
Loki never thought he could feel so empty. His body felt like a stranger to him. He would inhale, but the air would never reach his lungs. He would close his eyes but he wouldn’t sleep. He would scream but his voice died in his throat. He would cry but the tears never brought relief. One has to pay dearly for immortality; one has to die several times while one is still alive.(1)  
And so the god withered but his live never left him.

 

One day the trickster god felt a shift in the atmosphere. Bright light filled his dark cell as the portal opened and a woman stepped through it. She wore a black dress and half of her face was hidden in the shadows. Green eyes studied the silent statue of the sitting god. In her hand she held an envelope. Loki looked up and smiled bitterly. “Did you come to refuse me one more time?”, he asked with an empty voice. The woman just smiled. “Yes, father. You are not ready to leave the breathing ones.” The god scoffed and looked away while the small spark of hope died inside. “I’ve already left, you know that.” His daughter didn’t deny that and regarded him silently. She grieved every day for him and the empty shell he had become made her cry inside. But his fate had been decided long before he was born and he was not allowed to pass the doors of death, neither the one to Valhalla nor the one to her own realm. She laid the envelope gently beside him on the floor and left without goodbye.

 

Loki ignored the envelope at first. He wasn’t interested in what it contained. He had lost his curiosity long ago, because it killed him a little bit more inside and brought the walls of his life tumbling down.  
  
After years he finally reached for it. He opened it and reached for the letters inside. He regretted it as soon as he read the first lines.

  
_Dear Loki,  
I know I shouldn’t call you ‘dear’. Hell, I shouldn’t even write to you, although I know you will never read this. But you can’t forget you. Every time I close my eyes, I see you before me. I know, I know, you are the villain and I’m the hero, I should feel hate  & disgust every time I think of you. But life isn’t black and white…_

The first letter left him smiling for the first time since millennia.

_Dear Loki,_

_Here I am again. Sitting in my lab, trying to build something with my shaking hands. The bottle beside me is almost empty and I can’t stop drinking…_

The second letter left him understanding.

_Dear Loki,_

_Did I ever tell you about my father? I bet he was worse than your Allfather-daddy. Howard Stark. When people hear the name they praise his genius, his inventions and talk about him like they talk about god. When I hear his name, I think about rejection, pain and tears…_  
  


The third left him with an aching heart.

_Dear Loki,_

_I’m slowly losing it. I can’t get on with my life. I drink, I hate myself, and I hide in my lab and drown myself in work…_  
  
The fourth letter left him with tears in his eyes and a silent “Tony” on his lips.

Letters five, six, seven and eight shattered his heart; let him collapse on the ground. Loki screamed and cried until the tears stopped coming.  
  
 _Dear Loki,_

_Today three children died in an attack. Everyone tells me it wasn’t my fault. But it was mine. If I had gotten there faster, I could have prevented there death. I swore to myself that I wouldn’t hurt anybody, but I broke this promise. It hurts; it hurts so much Loki, please. Please help me…_

The ninth letter filled him with a fury he had never known before. He wanted to scream, to tear the world apart because Tony had needed him and he hadn’t been there. Somebody needed him and he failed to answer the call because he was lost in his self-pity. He cursed himself and clawed at his skin out of hatred. The blood that streamed from the broken skin made him feel sick. He vomited until nothing was left in his stomach.

_Dear Loki,_

_I love you. You are beautiful and everything I couldn’t be. I hope you’re okay, because I’m not. I lost myself and I will never be whole again. I’m sorry.  
Tony_

The tenth letter left him numb. Year for year he had looked for approval, for love. He had looked for it in his family, in his friends, in strangers. But he never found it. What he found were lies, betrayal and tear-filled nights. He found torture and unbearable pain in the hands of his enemies. He found rejection on Midgard, disgusted faces with hate in their eyes. He found loneliness and emptiness in his cell, hatred in the darkness. And he found regret and an aching heart in the letters. 

_Dear Loki,_

_Please forgive me for what I’m going to do. Because nobody else will forgive me, they will hate me for the pain I put them through. But it’s the only solution. Do you think your daughter will welcome me in her realm?_  
 I’m sorry. And please forgive me.  
Tony

_p.s.: Don’t forget I love you._

The last letter left him without air. A single tear ran down his face and dropped onto the paper, where it smudged the “Please forgive me”. The god watched as the words vanished and only left ink stained paper. A dam broke inside him and he began to sob. For hours he cried and grieved the loss of Tony, the only one who understood. The only one who shared Loki’s pain and lived the same broken life. But he was dead now; he had left Loki like Frigga did before. The broken god cried and grieved for hours. Tear after tear fell and soaked his clothes and the letters. Sentence after sentence vanished and left only dark blue paper. 

With his last strength, he succeeded in conjuring up a small fire, paper and ink. His hands trembled as he wrote three words on the paper before he folded it and handed it over to the fire. He watched with glassy eyes as the paper slowly burned and vanished. With the letter left his heart, only cold ash and an empty shell remained. 

He wanted to die, to leave this cruel world, but fate forbade it. He was destined to live forever in the lonely darkness of his cell, to endure unbearable pain and emptiness. Immortality became his curse and memories tore him apart from the inside.  
And so the god withered but his live never left him.

 

In a cold land far away, a stranger walked on a long path. His feet were bloody and his body tired. With every step life left him more and breathing became difficult. With last strength he reached a golden door, decorated with red jewels. They formed the rune ‘Eihwaz’ which means ‘border between life and death’.  Armored men on horses guarded the door silently. They let him pass without a word and the golden door opened. The stranger could see a new world behind it, a world with colors and infinity. Suddenly a whisper filled the air and stopped him for a moment. ‘I forgive you’ whispered somebody in his ear and the stranger smiled sadly. A tear ran down his cheek and he stepped through the door.

**Author's Note:**

> I made myself cry with this, but the idea wouldn't leave me alone.


End file.
